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Some Dumb Questions Indians are Asked

My Collection So Far

(May 1999)
Ajay Sathyanath



Q.
Why do indian women wear red dots on their foreheads?
A.
Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....

Q.
You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A.
Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....

Q.
Does India have cars?
A.
No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

Q.
Does India have TV?
A.
No. We only have cable.

Q.
Are all Indians vegetarian?
A.
Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

Q.
Are you a Hindi?
A.
Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India. !!!!

Q.
Do you speak Hindu?
A.
Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity. !!!!

Q.
Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A.
Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

Q.
India is very hot, isn't it?
A.
It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Q.
Are there any business companies in India?
A.
No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is a lot of hard work.

Q.
Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A.
Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.

Q.
India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A.
Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.

Q.
I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A.
We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard, so that we can walk.

Q.
How is it that most Indians have an aptitude for math ?
A.
Hmmm, the math aptitude gets triggered by trying to keep track of the family size. You see everybody there has so many children, and we need to come up with calculus and statistics, inorder to determine the number of sisters and brothers we have.

Q.
Why did India test its nuclear devices ?
A.
Well, i'll let you have it, if you don't tell others... We were actually trying out controlled fusion reaction, but it got out of hand.

Q.
Why do Indians in India use water instead of tissue paper ?
A.
The "tissue paper making" company in india is so corrupt that they recycle old tissues without treating them chemically.

Q.
What is this game called cricket, India cheers so vehemently ?
A.
Its named after the insect called "cricket". The size of the insect and the fact that it is an insect, symbolizes the brain power required in the game and the game itself, respectively. Aparrently all of 'em cricket players are the ones who couldn't make it to the national kabadi team.